i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
