Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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