Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
