I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
