last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
