literally had 100 drinks last night.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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