worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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