I will die if light touches me.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
