where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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