its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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