my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
