I'm so fucking centered right now
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
