I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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