hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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