you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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