before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
