I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
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