If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
