Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
