grandma shit on top of the toilet
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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