after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
