right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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