Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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