I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
