I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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