i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
