So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
