Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
