He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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