Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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