apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
