Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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