Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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