i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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