I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
