My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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