There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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