i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
