I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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