I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
