Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
