He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
