I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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