I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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