I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
