Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
