I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
