you guys were way drunker than both of me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
