Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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