My Higher Power is John Stamos
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
